For some couples fighting is the fire that keeps their relationships alive. It lets them know the other cares. Many are determined to win a battle that never ends. Others try to right the wrongs they have experienced in the past with someone new. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior is doomed to failure. When we bring baggage from a former relationship into the present, all new relationships simply become a continuation of the past.
What People Get Out of Fighting
It is important to understand why couples keep fighting. For some fighting is a fire that keeps their relationships alive. It lets them know the other cares, things aren’t really over, and sparks still fly between them. Fighting can keep these couples bonded, causing them to think about each other a great deal. Some love power struggles. They love winning and feeling power over the other. This makes them feel strong.
Fighting in relationships can easily become a habit, something individuals fall into automatically and instinctively. Needless to say, fighting prevents real communication. Rather than addressing issues, it causes a situation to remain stuck.
Some Crazy Justification of couple fights
“Without a good fight, a relationship is over, says Mary, a twenty-six-year-old administrative assistant.” The lights have gone off between us. It’s a sign my partner no longer cares. Mary, who was recently divorced and is now in another choppy relationship feels that eventually she’ll marry a man with whom she can fight – and survive the storms. I respect a guy who I can fight with, who can take me as I am.
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For Mary being angry, fighting and winning have become her identity. Without it, she no longer knows who she truly is. She does not see price she is paying for this kind of relationship or what toll it takes on all concerned.
Unfortunately, the anger many individuals live with on a daily basis can become crystallized into their identity. Needless to say, this blocks out much of the happiness, flexibility, communication, and intimacy they desire. I’m not letting her walk all over me, Roger would balk whenever his ex-wife expressed her needs to him now or brought up an issue. Rather than listening to what she had to say, he immediately took it as criticism. She’s trying to tell me I’m inadequate, he would declare. The war was on. What started as a conversation, turned into a power struggle.
From Roger’s point of view, his very manhood was at stake. However, as long as any of us hold onto our anger and continue fighting, there is no hope of working the problems through. Roger could not pause and realize that his partner’s needs and feelings had nothing to do with him. He was determined to take whatever she said or did personally and keep feeling bad about himself.
We always reap what we sow
However, it’s impossible not to receive the fruits of what you have put forth. As you sow, so shall you reap, is an immutable law of living. Although we may justify all kinds of behavior it is absolutely inevitable that we all experience the consequences of our thoughts, actions, and deeds.
There are many steps involved in letting go of anger. The very first is to realize that anger is a toxin. It is not a source of strength or power but can become an addiction, something that hinders our well being and stops our life from going forward. There are definite steps we can take to undo anger.
Here are a few ones can take to begin. They are taken from The Anger Diet which offers one step a day for thirty days. These following guidelines are simple but powerful. Why not try them today and see.
Putting An End To The War
While we are engaged in pointing a finger and making the other feel guilty, we cannot see what is really going on. Blame is a way to keep the fight alive. TAKE A VACATION FROM BLAME FOR ONE DAY. Instead of thinking of all the ways the person has hurt you keep your eyes open to watch how you may be stoking the fires. Focus upon what the person has done for you, instead, the ways in which they have been kind. You can easily stop fighting in the relationship that way.
2)Realize The Price You Are Paying For These Fights
Unless we truly realize the terrible toll fighting is taking on us, we will continue it automatically. Take note of the consequences each fight brings, what it is doing to your body, mind, and spirit. Then ask, do I truly want this? Haven’t I suffered enough? Why not stop it today?
3) Choose To Be Happy Rather Than Right
This is the time to expand your view. Define success as being happy rather than being right. Learn other tools and techniques which will de-escalate anger and make a positive relationship possible…
4)Build A Strong Sense of Self-Worth
The best defense against anger is feeling good about yourself. Build a sense of self-worth. Treat yourself beautifully and treat your partner beautifully as well. Let go of all that opposes this. Fighting all the time in a relationship can destroy your self-esteem.
As we have the courage to let go of anger, not only does our health improve, but soon we notice many kinds of wonderful, new people and experiences entering our lives. We attract what we focus upon. When we focus upon well-being, forgiveness, and love that is what will fill our lives.